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"When steamwork mechanic,AlessandraMijares,unwittingly becomes a criminal for saving a fugitive magician, she seeks refuge in Underground with the magical creatures.Her fate restsin an eccentric mage or a skirt-chasing prince, both eager to use her for their own interests."
I hope this piques your interests. I'm curious to know what your thoughts are. Now off to the next blog.
EDIT: Thanks for all the feedback. Here's the edit:
"When steamwork mechanic Alessandra unwittingly becomes a criminal for saving a fugitive magician, sheEDIT 2: Another edit. I need more action in the second sentence. I hope this clears things up (most likely not, but it doesn't hurt to get feedback). I'm wondering if giving the names of the mage/magician and the Prince would make things clearer.seeks refugein Underground with the magical creatures. To get to safety, she must rely on herself, but an eccentric mage and a skirt-chasing princeare both eager to use her for their own interests."
"When steamwork mechanic Alessandra unwittingly becomes a criminal for saving a fugitive magician, she finds herself stranded in Underground with dangerous magical creatures. The eccentric mage blackmails her into deactivating his war machines while she catches the eye of the spoiled skirt-chasing prince who's family wants her in jail."
Consider my interest piqued! Great logline
ReplyDeleteHi there, I'm over here from Steena's. Sounds like you have a great story and your logline is strong. My feeling is that the words 'her fate rests' make A seem passive. She's already become an unwitting criminal and as a reader, I'd want to see her actively doing something to resolve her problem. Also, isn't 'rests with'? (I use British English, so I could be wrong ...)
ReplyDeleteSounds interesting! I've only read one steampunk (Soulless by Carriger) so I don't know too much about it. Your story takes it in quite a different direction than what I read, and that sounds very nice, too.
ReplyDeleteHi, sounds intriguing. I probably wouldn't put commas around your MC's name, and maybe only use her first name? I'd also agree with "rests with". Good luck with it :)
ReplyDeleteRach
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I hope you enjoy the edits.
ReplyDeleteWow, great logline and wonderful voice. I can tell it's a comical story with the skirt-chasing prince.
ReplyDeleteI would like to know a little more. Why does she save the magician? And I'm confused by 'To get to safety' - is she not save the in Underground? If that's the case, why did she go there in the first place?
ReplyDeleteSounds interesting. I love steampunk.
@Stina: Thanks.
ReplyDelete@Nicole: Good questions. I never thought of it that way. Back to the drawing board.
Thanks for all the feedback guys.
I like the first sentence of your revised logline. The second one needs a little work. I'd like to see some power words here, verbs that pack a little punch.
ReplyDeleteThanks Roh.
ReplyDeleteSo interesting! Great work. :o)
ReplyDeleteIt still feels a bit long and full of sub-plots. You might consider taking out the last part about the skirt-chasing prince and keep to the active, main plot. (If you're opposed to this, one thing you could do is cut out a few adjectives--there are a lot.)
Best of luck and it's great to "meet" you! :o)
Wow, this sounds compelling! Nice job! :D
ReplyDeleteGrabbed your logline! Newest version!
ReplyDelete@Jackee: Yeah, there are a lot of adjectives. I'll definitely consider which ones I can take out. It does kinda bog the logline down.
ReplyDelete@lbdiamond: Thanks.
@Steena: Awesome.