|I've been broken... =/|
I was going through my old notebooks a few weeks ago when I came across some old letters that people had written to me. Against my better judgment, I read one from a former friend over some drama that had happened. To give a basic rundown, I dated a guy, ditched all my friends for him, got dumped, and apologized and my friendship with those people got stronger. The letter I found was from the girl that dated my ex a week after we broke up. She used to be my best friend, but as with all teen angst, the person you think is your BFF turns against you and you find out who your true friends are. Yadda yadda. I've since forgiven the girl, but I had to come to the realization that I still haven't forgiven myself for the situation.
The letter from this girl essentially said that because I mistreated my friends, I deserved what I got as far as breaking up with the guy and I suppose she took it upon herself to deliver that to me (She got her comeuppance in the end too, just so you know). She said that I was the only one who showed the guy any attention that's why he went out with me, even though she apparently liked him before me and she was doing me a favor by holding back so that I could pursue him. (Ha, bullshit!) The whole letter was a backhanded apology that essentially blamed me for everything while she refused taking responsibility for the role she played in the whole thing.
Rereading these old letters and reading the recent posts on my blog, I have come across an interesting parallel. I bought into the idea that I didn't deserve to have a boyfriend. Case in point "I don't have a boyfriend, I'm too self-absorbed, selfish, and too lazy to put in the effort into maintaining a relationship while I'm juggling work and school." I wrote this and looking back on it, I can't believe that I wrote it. WTF? I woke up a couple days ago and said "When will I ever have the perfect personality to be with anyone?" The answer is never. And you know what? That's okay. I'll get to the why in a minute.
People keep mentioning that I'm a nice person and for some reason, I can't see it. When people tell me I'm nice, I have to convince them otherwise. I keep saying "I'm manipulative and vindictive. I'm a bitch...etc..." Why? Of course, I believe it's true. It is true. It's just one side of me though, but I've been defining myself by it for such a long time that it's hard to see the good qualities. There are good things about me. I'm friendly, funny, confident, honest, and I clean up pretty nice. Obviously, I still have my true friends who saw the dark sides of me and chose to forgive me despite that fact. This whole situation happened six years ago, but I've been a state of mistrust since then. I didn't trust myself to treat someone with love and respect they deserve. I didn't think I deserved it because I was a mean person.
Coming back to "When will I ever have the perfect personality to be with anyone?"question. I wrote the answer "Never" because it's true. Is there ever going to be a time when I'm not working or going to school or doing something to further myself? I doubt it. There is no such thing as the perfect person. I'm not perfect and I have to just accept that. I have to accept that who ever I date will not be perfect either. I guess the whole point is if we can get over ourselves and work with our flaws instead of defining ourselves by them. That remains to be a hypothesis that has yet to be tested.
If Najela truly forgives herself for being such a bitch, then she might be able to open up and be honest with her feelings.
This should be obvious. Put myself out there and be honest with my feelings. I did it once before, that's how I got into this whole mess. I have no idea where I got the balls to just approach the guy I liked without a care in the world and just let him know how I feel. I didn't care about the outcome, but I just had to let him know. What happened to that girl? I'm trying to find her. A part of her came out in Vegas, but she went back into hiding as soon as we got back. Why? How do I bring her back without sucking down Adios Motherfuckers and shots of Patron and Jagerbombs? (not that this is exactly a bad way to go) I wasn't drunk during most of that vacation anyway and I definitely wasn't drunk back in high school sophomore year. I need to be more open and interested instead of actively disinterested because I don't think I deserve it. I do deserve to be happy, just like everyone else. Everyone has bad aspects to their personality. The lucky ones are the ones who realize it early enough to maintain them.
I need to just be myself, stop freaking out, and stop defining myself by past.
Will Report Findings at another time.
Wherein I discuss my findings.